It's the thought that counts

Dear Mr. Ruthford,

Thank you for your application for the public affairs representative position at the police department, but we're not likely to hire you any time soon. It's quite obvious from your application that you're a slob. Sure, your grammar and punctuation were all correct, and you graduated from a good school, but we could tell that you sneezed on your resume without covering your mouth. What professional would leave a booger on his resume? And don't think that a .025 mm booger would get past us! We're a police department and we can DNA test anything. Don't you watch NCIS? We can figure out far more than Abby can.

Sincerely yours,
The Duwamish County Police Department

Dear Mr. Ruthford,

Thank you for your application to work at Frederick and Nelson's as a loss prevention agent. Here, we mean "thank you" in the same way Flannery O'Connor wrote "she stretched her mouth politely" to describe the reaction of a woman who had just been insulted by a child. Did you really think we wanted to hire someone with a master's degree in public policy and management? What are you going to do, interrogate shoplifters about the socio-economic causes behind their theivery? Obviously you are looking for a crap job that you can leave at a moment's notice when something better comes along.

Sincerely yours,
Human Resources

Dear Mr. Ruthford,

Thank you for your book proposal about your time serving in the U.S. Peace Corps. While we enjoyed it, we regret to inform you that your manuscript is ineligible for publication due the fact that you are still living. We only publish memoirs posthumously. We are sorry to deliver you this disappointing news, but hopefully you can find a different publisher. If not, at least you have something to look forward to when you are dead. Besides Heaven, that is.

Sincerely yours,
St. Vladyka's Press

Dear Mr. Ruthford,

Thank you for your application for position 0009-4332-al@$-q14-SWFseeksSWMforbowling-4562 with the Department of Administrative Departmental Affairs. We regret to inform you that due to our unusually long hiring process that the position you applied for is no longer available. Unfortunately, because of the earth's wobbling on its axis, since you applied for the job, the area of the United States you would have been responsible for examining has gone through severe climate change and is now a desert. Since no one lives there any more, under U.S. Code √1024 x 2.3 relating to places that no longer exist, we cannot offer you a position.

Sincerely,
The Department of Adminstrative Departmental Affairs
$500 penalty for private use

Dear Mr. Ruthford,

Thank you for your proposal for use of stimulus funds to create economic activity and reduce greenhouse gas emissions. While your idea has merit for producing both results, I think you are a little ahead of your time. It is my hope that some day, we will see old boats refurbished and equipped with anti-gravity generators as a means of alternative transportation, but I do not believe it is the most appropriate means of using the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds at this time.

Sincerely yours,
Barack Obama

Kooky business idea No. 8

I was pondering a business idea today; tell me what you think. I have lots of time to think about this sort of stuff, being unemployed...

Guilt lockers

Do you have a hard time giving away old stuff even though you haven't touched it in 10 years? Do you feel guilty getting rid of it because you might need it, or because some friend of yours could put it to good use? Do you wish it would just go away on its own, but the act of figuring out what to do with it just too much?

Guilt Lockers, Inc., has got a solution for you: Rent one of our lockers, and put all of the stuff that you're on the fence about keeping or tossing. If you get separation anxiety on some object, come back and get it. Pay rent on the locker until you've forgotten about it, and then we'll take it and find socially and ecologically friendly ways of disposing of it. We keep an elaborate database of secondhand purchasers, charities and recyclers that deal with clothes, furniture, electronics and cute little stuffed animals. If we succeed in selling any of your stuff, you can have 30 percent of the profits.

Clear out your living space free of guilt, sentiment, and decision-making. Help those in need, but in a totally passive manner.

Guilt Lockers -- get rid of it now, because it won't fit in your coffin.


Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know... don't quit your day job (if only I had one). But, you have to admit that it's better than my idea of refurbishing old boats for when antigravity gets invented.