We interrupt this interruption...

As I sit in my parents' house, getting ready for my third winter as a professional resume submitter, I hear this voice:

"We interrupt this interruption to bring you the following important announcement: We have received a number of complaints from local observers in your area that an unusual number of lives seem to be on hold. We are aware of this problem.

"If this seems to be taking longer than it should, please note that recessions are caused by inactivity. What’s happened is that an unexpected amount of money and an unexpected number of people gathering at this point in spacetime have caused an unexpected amount of mass to coalesce, thus depressing the continuum. This may seem to slow things down, and the recovery, at least for an unenlightened observer such as yourself, stuck in the spacetime depression. While we apologize for the negative feedback loop you seem to be stuck in, please be reassured we will prevent you from crossing your own event horizon and creating a black hole. It is true that no one seems to think you have a right to a job, a place to live, or any of that other stuff they said you’d get if you studied hard in school, but please be assured that we are committed to the continued existence of your particles.

"If things seem a little blue when you try to look beyond your situation, that’s just because light is moving more slowly where you are. If you would like to take photographs, may we recommend a filter for your camera’s lens?

"Please feel free to move about the continuum. In fact, you might try moving and talking a little faster. From our perspective, you’ve got quite a drawl, which is pretty humorous.

"Please be assured that your life will eventually resume. Be glad for all that time you spent in post-Soviet republics. Your trajectory out of the spacetime depression will be curved, but the experience taught you to be thankful it isn’t parabolic.

"Thank you for your attention during the interruption. We now return you to your regularly scheduled interruption."