Thank you for your application for the public affairs representative position at the police department, but we're not likely to hire you any time soon. It's quite obvious from your application that you're a slob. Sure, your grammar and punctuation were all correct, and you graduated from a good school, but we could tell that you sneezed on your resume without covering your mouth. What professional would leave a booger on his resume? And don't think that a .025 mm booger would get past us! We're a police department and we can DNA test anything. Don't you watch NCIS? We can figure out far more than Abby can.
Sincerely yours,
The Duwamish County Police Department
Dear Mr. Ruthford,
Thank you for your application to work at Frederick and Nelson's as a loss prevention agent. Here, we mean "thank you" in the same way Flannery O'Connor wrote "she stretched her mouth politely" to describe the reaction of a woman who had just been insulted by a child. Did you really think we wanted to hire someone with a master's degree in public policy and management? What are you going to do, interrogate shoplifters about the socio-economic causes behind their theivery? Obviously you are looking for a crap job that you can leave at a moment's notice when something better comes along.
The Duwamish County Police Department
Dear Mr. Ruthford,
Thank you for your application to work at Frederick and Nelson's as a loss prevention agent. Here, we mean "thank you" in the same way Flannery O'Connor wrote "she stretched her mouth politely" to describe the reaction of a woman who had just been insulted by a child. Did you really think we wanted to hire someone with a master's degree in public policy and management? What are you going to do, interrogate shoplifters about the socio-economic causes behind their theivery? Obviously you are looking for a crap job that you can leave at a moment's notice when something better comes along.
Sincerely yours,
Human Resources
Human Resources
Dear Mr. Ruthford,
Thank you for your book proposal about your time serving in the U.S. Peace Corps. While we enjoyed it, we regret to inform you that your manuscript is ineligible for publication due the fact that you are still living. We only publish memoirs posthumously. We are sorry to deliver you this disappointing news, but hopefully you can find a different publisher. If not, at least you have something to look forward to when you are dead. Besides Heaven, that is.
Thank you for your book proposal about your time serving in the U.S. Peace Corps. While we enjoyed it, we regret to inform you that your manuscript is ineligible for publication due the fact that you are still living. We only publish memoirs posthumously. We are sorry to deliver you this disappointing news, but hopefully you can find a different publisher. If not, at least you have something to look forward to when you are dead. Besides Heaven, that is.
Sincerely yours,
St. Vladyka's Press
St. Vladyka's Press
Dear Mr. Ruthford,
Thank you for your application for position 0009-4332-al@$-q14-SWFseeksSWMforbowling-4562 with the Department of Administrative Departmental Affairs. We regret to inform you that due to our unusually long hiring process that the position you applied for is no longer available. Unfortunately, because of the earth's wobbling on its axis, since you applied for the job, the area of the United States you would have been responsible for examining has gone through severe climate change and is now a desert. Since no one lives there any more, under U.S. Code √1024 x 2.3 relating to places that no longer exist, we cannot offer you a position.
Thank you for your application for position 0009-4332-al@$-q14-SWFseeksSWMforbowling-4562 with the Department of Administrative Departmental Affairs. We regret to inform you that due to our unusually long hiring process that the position you applied for is no longer available. Unfortunately, because of the earth's wobbling on its axis, since you applied for the job, the area of the United States you would have been responsible for examining has gone through severe climate change and is now a desert. Since no one lives there any more, under U.S. Code √1024 x 2.3 relating to places that no longer exist, we cannot offer you a position.
Sincerely,
The Department of Adminstrative Departmental Affairs
$500 penalty for private use
The Department of Adminstrative Departmental Affairs
$500 penalty for private use
Dear Mr. Ruthford,
Thank you for your proposal for use of stimulus funds to create economic activity and reduce greenhouse gas emissions. While your idea has merit for producing both results, I think you are a little ahead of your time. It is my hope that some day, we will see old boats refurbished and equipped with anti-gravity generators as a means of alternative transportation, but I do not believe it is the most appropriate means of using the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds at this time.
Sincerely yours,
Barack Obama
Thank you for your proposal for use of stimulus funds to create economic activity and reduce greenhouse gas emissions. While your idea has merit for producing both results, I think you are a little ahead of your time. It is my hope that some day, we will see old boats refurbished and equipped with anti-gravity generators as a means of alternative transportation, but I do not believe it is the most appropriate means of using the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act funds at this time.
Sincerely yours,
Barack Obama
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